My brother came out today, and I took it badly. It's not because I'm prejudice or anything, I don't care that he's homosexual, it bothers me on a different level. I think it's because I don't like people, or rather, dealing with people if I don't have to. I dunno. I didn't like my sister's boyfriend either, so I'm pretty sure it wasn't just because he's gay. I'll have to think about it more, to see if I can come up with the reason why I'm so angry.....I dunno if that's the word. Probably not. Offput, I guess. Why I'm so offput by this.
Being gay isn't evil, or wrong, athought I think a lot of gay act stupidly, acting as if they can't possibly wait to get home to neck, and kiss and stuff. It's not wrong for them to do so, but they're so open with their sexuality, it gets to me. I'm sure some of you reading this are thinking "and you're trying to say you're not a homophobe?" I honestly don't think I am. I don't care if men love other men, tho woman loving other woman really, really bugs me. I don't know why it bothers me. Maybe if I keep talking about it, I'll figure it out.
I know I'm not gay. I don't think I'd like to be love with men. I know, I know, it's not a choice. But I just don't see a man as being an ideal mate. I'm a man, and men are assholes. Why would I want to spend the rest of my life with another asshole? I need someone who complements me, not someone who's exactly the same.
I thought maybe it was because I'd have to deal with the person, but that can't be it, because the feelings haven't gone away, and I've discovered that once I find the cause of something, the feelings I have about the situation go away.
I remeber thinking that I didn't want my sister's boyfriend to come for Christmas. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just scared of changing the family dynamics. Maybe I'm afraid of someone coming into the family who doesn't like me, and having to put up with that person, because my brother or my sister loves them.
Maybe I'm worried about them liking their mates more then they like me. Maybe I'm afraid I'll lose them if they fall in love with someone else. I don't know God, I'm crying here. Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm just afraid. I've always said that the root cause of every action is fear. Maybe I'm also afraid of sharing my parents with them. My family is all I have. I don't have many friends, and what few I do have are all online. I don't want to lose them. I think that's what I'm worried about. My feelings seem to have calmed down a little, maybe I figured it out. I guess we'll find out if my sister or brother ever get a boyfriend.
Being gay isn't evil, or wrong, athought I think a lot of gay act stupidly, acting as if they can't possibly wait to get home to neck, and kiss and stuff. It's not wrong for them to do so, but they're so open with their sexuality, it gets to me. I'm sure some of you reading this are thinking "and you're trying to say you're not a homophobe?" I honestly don't think I am. I don't care if men love other men, tho woman loving other woman really, really bugs me. I don't know why it bothers me. Maybe if I keep talking about it, I'll figure it out.
I know I'm not gay. I don't think I'd like to be love with men. I know, I know, it's not a choice. But I just don't see a man as being an ideal mate. I'm a man, and men are assholes. Why would I want to spend the rest of my life with another asshole? I need someone who complements me, not someone who's exactly the same.
I thought maybe it was because I'd have to deal with the person, but that can't be it, because the feelings haven't gone away, and I've discovered that once I find the cause of something, the feelings I have about the situation go away.
I remeber thinking that I didn't want my sister's boyfriend to come for Christmas. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just scared of changing the family dynamics. Maybe I'm afraid of someone coming into the family who doesn't like me, and having to put up with that person, because my brother or my sister loves them.
Maybe I'm worried about them liking their mates more then they like me. Maybe I'm afraid I'll lose them if they fall in love with someone else. I don't know God, I'm crying here. Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm just afraid. I've always said that the root cause of every action is fear. Maybe I'm also afraid of sharing my parents with them. My family is all I have. I don't have many friends, and what few I do have are all online. I don't want to lose them. I think that's what I'm worried about. My feelings seem to have calmed down a little, maybe I figured it out. I guess we'll find out if my sister or brother ever get a boyfriend.
2 Comments:
Hmmm. Maybe you dislike your brother's coming out and your sister's bf because it's another change that's you feel will pull them away from you.
That's entirely possible. I'll have to think about it, and see what conclusions I come too. I think that a lot of it has to do with me feeling that they're trying to replace me, cause I was a complete and total piece of crap when we were growing up. I dunno. I'm curious tho, I didn't think anyone read this blog, except for 1 person. Might I ask how you discovered it? I appreciate you posting your thoughts, especially about this entry, since it's probably the most important one I've posted.
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